South Korea's Advice Column
by RuneQuicksilver
Summary: South Korea has plenty of knowledge to share, and so he will! Send in your problems, questions, rants, woes, and just about everything else and Yong Soo will tackle them with his expertise in world and life affairs.
1. Mail Already daze!

**Chapter 2: Mail Already Da-ze?**

Yong Soo happily tapped the keys of his keyboard, eyes glued to the screen and brows furrowed in concentration over the intense match in front of him. It had been only a few hours since the birth of his advice column, and in an effort to kill time while waiting for the letters to flood in he decided to immerse himself in the world of online gaming.

He didn't even raise his eyes or acknowledge the knock at the door, knowing that if it was his secretary with letters she would simply enter. He cursed lightly at the happenings on his screen, nearly jumping out of his seat when two letters were tossed onto the keys. He finally tore his gaze away from the screen, blinking a few times in surprise at the envelopes perched atop his master controls…aka, his keyboard. After a moment of processing, he stood up so fast his chair tumbled backwards, snatching up the letters and rushing out the door.

Meanwhile, the secretary at the desk nonchalantly sipped a cup of ginseng tea, counting silently backwards in her head. 'Three…two…one…aaand…'

BANG!

"I'VE GOT MAIL DA-ZE!" Yong Soo's excited shout would have made her lose it if she hadn't been expecting it. However, she did almost lose it—though she should have been expecting it as much as she had expected the lack of Yong Soo's indoor voice—when the Korean wrapped her in a too-tight (and highly inappropriate) embrace.

"Ack, get off me and go answer your damn mail!" She huffed, though Yong Soo caught a glimpse of an amused smile dancing across her lips. Without wasting another moment (he didn't want to disappoint his fans) he raced back into his office, the glass in the window rattling as the wood slammed shut.

x~*~x

Yong Soo eagerly ripped open the first letter, recognizing the tidy scrawl as Bejing's. He unfolded the paper and quickly scanned it, eyes widening as he read in silence punctuated only by a few "Hmm"s and a loud "Oh!" in the middle. He set the paper down, reaching up to rub his head in thought (careful to avoid his spirit curl). Bejing's problem sounded tough, but giving good advice originated in Korea and so he knew he could think of something perfect. Popping open a new document on his computer, he began to type.

_Hello Beijing…or ni hao!_

_I was going to write this in Korean because advice given in Korean is the best advice ever da-ze! But then I remembered that you might not be able to read it, or worse China might be able to read it and then he'd probably try to shut down my advice column (because he doesn't think I give good advice)._

_Anyway, it's really good to hear from you. I know the advice column was genius right? Genius was definitely a Korean invention da-ze! And I only come over so often because family is very important you know, and I wouldn't want to be responsible for my family missing me!_

_I'm really sorry to hear about your hair. I can't believe they dyed it pink and neon green-blue would have been so much cooler and would have really complemented your eyes da-ze! But still, that really wasn't very nice of them, even for a practical joke._

_Hmm, well as for what you should do about the dye, well, if you've been washing your hair it should come out. I doubt they would use something permanent. But if that doesn't work, the internet says laundry detergent works well too! It removes stains on clothes, so removing the pink and green from your hair seems doable too. If that doesn't work you could try dish soap or hot oil…though I don't know if I'd want to put hot oil in my hair!_

_If not, I bet I could get you a really nice wig until your hair grows back. We could even find you one in blue da-ze!_

_(Or we could just borrow one from Japan…but a lot of his are pink or something.)_

_Now for the prank. You know I invented pranks, so I'm the 'King of Pranks in The World'. No wait, I'm the 'Most Awesome (more than Prussia) King of Pranks in the entire Universe' (no I did not just make that up da-ze!). Now, with that being established I can definitely help you with a prank that China won't suspect either of us._

_(No, I don't mean like that time America and I took China into the ladies underwear section of a store after promising to show him cute things. He would definitely suspect me if we did that again. Especially if the saleslady realizes we're repeat customers and offers to fit him again. America wouldn't stop laughing…then I had to drag him out of the store because China knocked him out and that wasn't so funny anymore.)_

_Well, here are a few classics anyway. You could always replace the sugar with the salt…or the tea leaves with really bitter ones. Or better yet post a sign outside of their houses reading "Free cake" with one of those awesome arrows pointing left, then after a long while put another arrow that reads "Free cake" but points the other way. If they don't happen to run into each other they'll spend the entire day looking for free cake! Trust me, it's a fool-proof plan da-ze!_

_If those aren't good enough for you, write back and I'll keep trying!_

_LOTS OF LUCK AND LOVE AND KOREAN AWESOME,_

_Yong Soo_

_P.S. I only signed this because it's a letter. But I am hand-delivering it to you because I don't want you to miss me too much, so I'm sure you know it's from me._

x~*~x

A/N: Special thanks to the lovely MeiMeiaru8 for the very first review on this story! I (South K's personal secretary/slave to fashion/tea/probably so much more) would like to thank you for reviewing mere HOURS after the story was published, and I hope that you find his answer amusing and perhaps not nearly as face-palming as I did.

Next chapter will contain the very SECOND review (received on the same day not much later) and will hopefully contain something amusing!

For anyone that would like to receive some epic Korean advice (laced with too much caffeine, methinks) follow the instructions in the first chapter or PM me for more details!

Cordially,

The Bemused Secretary (aka RQ)


	2. I'm Inspired So Here's Number 2 Daze!

**Chapter 3: I'm Inspired So Here's #2 Da-ze!**

"Yong Soo, I brought you some tea." The secretary nudged the door open, balancing the tray carefully in her hands. She stared at the sight before her, deciding it best not to comment on it. Instead, she placed the tea on the desk and left without a word, glad that Yong Soo was too distracted with the computer to try to 'hug' her. Besides, she had to check the mail to see if anyone had left him any letters, despite it being less than a day after the nation had started the column.

"Still, at least he's getting letters. I can't help but wonder if he's a little…put off that he doesn't really get along with his siblings like he wants to." She muttered to herself before sipping her own tea. "Ah, but that's complicated, isn't it? Oh well…let's see if there's any new mail."

x~*~x

Yong Soo barely registered the momentary presence of his secretary, too immersed in writing his reply to his second sender. He frowned, rubbing his head in concentration as he tried to remember exactly who the letter referenced and how he would respond. Well, he knew Russia—the two had decent relations (unlike some of his other siblings). He sighed, reading the letter again as he reached for his tea. After taking a large gulp, he pushed the letter aside and began to tap out his reply on the keyboard.

_Hello randomgirl2011!_

_Well, I'm doing well! I woke up this morning and decided to go and visit Aniki, but for some reason when I knocked on his door no one answered so I decided to come home and play computer games. It was funny because I could have sworn I heard noises coming from inside, but that's okay. I bet he was too busy reading my advice column da-ze!_

_Hockey huh? Did you know I invented hockey? It was a long time ago, and it wasn't called hockey. Someone else must have seen me playing it and then taken it and renamed it hockey because they just love all things invented in Korea da-ze! But hockey is a really manly sport. You have to be really tough to play hockey…unless it's air hockey. Then you just need to be sure not to get your sleeve stuck in the goal da-ze._

_(It only happened once, I swear! And it could have happened to anyone. Besides, getting your sleeve stuck in the goal isn't nearly as funny as getting your hair stuck in there. Aniki didn't think it was so funny though. Come to think of it…neither did Mei…or Kiku, though I'm not really entirely sure how that last one even happened!)_

_So yeah, hockey! I've been following sports very closely, because if I follow them then I'll be able to pick the best people for my online team da-ze! I heard that Russia was playing, but I forget who he's playing against. I only really remember the games if I'm the one playing, or someone I like is playing…like America. If America is playing I always get an e-mail telling me how he's going to win because winning is heroic and awesome and all manner of other confusing things. Confusion was not invented in Korea by the way. You can't have something confusing invented in a country that also invented something perfectly logical, like the Internet, right?_

_(Actually, Russia uses the internet quite a lot too! Russia wants to be my Facebook friend, but his 'friend' message is a little creepy da-ze. But his profile picture is hilarious! Aniki looks so unamused in it. I think I'm the only one who 'liked' it though. Obviously having a sense of humor came from me too!)_

_To be honest, I can't think of that other guy's name right now. I know he's got to be really good at hockey if he's playing against Russia…or it could be the other way around too, I guess. However, I will definitely use the Internet to do some research on this mystery opponent and pick a winner! I'll even watch the game to see who wins, just for you! But since I can only remember Russia, I guess I'll have to vote for him to win until I can figure out who this other guy is. I feel kind of bad though…I feel like I should remember him!_

_(I am not getting old and forgetful da-ze! I'm older than Aniki though, no matter what he says! But I'm definitely not a forgetful old man!)_

_Hey, well I hope you're doing well! I hope you're also enjoying the game, sitting on the couch and eating some snacks. Did you know the best snacks for watching sports are Korean snacks? If you need some recommendations, write to me and I'll definitely give you some. Better yet, I'll deliver some myself if you want!_

_STUFFED WITH KOREAN LOVE,_

_Yong Soo_

_P.S. Oh yeah, it's Canada! He makes really awesome pancakes and maple syrup…but his beef is weird. If you try some, let me know what you think!_

x~*~x

A/N: Thanks ever so much randomgirl2011 for your review! I have indeed heard about that lovely event featured in your review, but I personally am not sure who will win. My very patriotic side feels like cheering for Canada (we're neighbors, you see) BUT Russia has excellent players as well! Truthfully, I don't really follow hockey *ducks hockey sticks/pucks/fan paraphernalia* but I wish both teams luck! Also, I hope that this was at least enough to make you smile…occasionally my humor is…awful? Bad? Cruddy? Disastrous? Etc? (okay, I cheated on that last one!), but feel free to write back in for a new try/more randomness!

And for those who don't know, Canada and South Korea have some very interesting relations. Canada was the third largest sender of military troops to South Korea during the war (behind the U.S. and the UK), and the two have fairly open trade relations. Of course they have embassies in each others' countries as well. South K also has a ban on Canadian beef. All I can say is, "What's south K's 'beef' with Canada?" *shot repeatedly with bad joke arrows*

This is super short; their histories go WAY deeper than this, but I hope it's enough to explain (sort of) Korea's response here?

(See? I don't follow it. Heck, it could be over by the time this gets posted! *sobs in a fail corner*)

Next chapter will contain the next review, and hopefully something equally amusing and helpful (though I often wonder how helpful advice given hyped up on caffeine really is haha). I will post up responses to reviews as soon as I can! Sorry for the little bits of random story at the beginning. I didn't feel like putting OC as the second character because well, my secretary being myself isn't really an OC I guess? *paradoxes self into another corner, different from the fail corner*

For anyone that would like to receive some advice via Korea, follow the instructions in the first chapter or PM me for more instructions!

Cordially,

The Tea Secretary (aka RQ)


	3. Games and Letters are Fun Daze!

**Chapter 4: Games and Letters are Fun Daze!**

Korea's secretary opened the door after knocking, a few more letters clutched in her hand. "Yong Soo, more mail!" She quickly tossed them in the direction of the desk, rushing out as quickly as she had entered. Currently, her online character hovered in pause, the clock ticking down to the hardest opponent she had ever faced. As she closed the door she vaguely registered that Yong Soo was also on his computer, glaring in frustration at his screen and muttering things under his breath that she didn't quite catch. To the frazzled secretary, Yong Soo appeared the perfect example of a writer experiencing writer's block.

Meanwhile, the Korean's once bored expression broke out into a wide grin as the screen flashed, signaling that his opponent had returned. He guessed that they had simply wanted to use the bathroom or get another snack, though no amount of food was going to save the poor soul from his ultimate attack. As soon as he got a clear shot, the Korean slammed his fingers into the keys, unleashing a red, white, and blue beam at the unfortunate soul on the other end of the online gaming world, his cheerful little protoman shouting something like "LASER OF INDOMITABLE SPIRIT!" and leaving behind nothing but a pile of ash.

"YES! I WON DA-ZE!" Yong Soo cheered in triumph, knocking over his desk chair in the process. He stopped congratulating himself when a loud shout from just outside of his door caught his attention.

"…DAMMIT! I ALMOST HAD HIM TOO! JUST WAIT UNTIL I FIGURE OUT WHO THE HELL DECIDED TO USE THAT CHEAT! I'LL KNOCK THIS 'THE-REAL-SOUTH-KOREAN' ASSHOLE INTO NEXT WEEK!" Something that sounded vaguely like an entire computer hitting a thin plaster wall reached the ears of the now cowering (and VERY FOCUSED ON HIS LETTERS) Korean.

"…eep!"

x~*~x

_Hey yourself Texas!_

_Wait, should I be saying 'hey' or 'howdy'? What does 'howdy' even mean? It sounds like you're asking how d is…something da-ze. Like, how is d part of this word, or how is d part of the alphabet. Maybe the other letters are asking how d was invented or conspiring about how to get RID of d! I kind of feel sorry for d now da-ze! Also, can you explain this 'partner' thing? I don't get it…and the last time I asked Alfred about it he just laughed at me, which wasn't very nice, and when I asked again he just made a funny face and patted me on the head._

_(Maybe d is your partner. Hao in Aniki's language is something like yes, so maybe you're saying yes to your partner or something? I really hope you can help me out with this da-ze! If you can't, I might have to go ask ChaCha, and that place always gives me creepy answers! I also think ChaCha does not speak Korean, which makes me very sad.)_

_I'm sorry to hear that those three are scaring you! Japan is actually the least scary of the three…unless you really make him mad da-ze. But really, don't go into his closet. Seriously, don't go in there. You'll find things that will scar you for life. And if you live for a really, really long time like I do, then definitely don't go in there! If you do, don't blame me for anything bad that happens to you because I definitely warned you!_

_(I didn't go in there, but I know someone who did on a dare. I definitely had nothing to do with the dare either, but I really should bring some flowers to the mental hospital again for him da-ze. I'll have to ask my secretary to do it, since the last time I visited they asked me not to come back again because apparently K-pop is a bad thing to blare through the P.A. system.)_

_Congratulations on your relationship with Alaska da-ze! Love is truly a wonderful Korean invention, if I do say so myself! Now for the genius plan that will get them all to stop coming after you but still supply you two lovebirds with the yaoi you so love and desire? Well, that one's a toughie. With Japan, it's really easy, since you could just sucker him into not visiting you anymore (he falls for my Korean awesome all of the time da-ze!), but Hungary can be really scary with her frying pan…almost as scary as Aniki! But if you really want to get them off your back all you have to do is find someone else for them to stalk. Actually, they'll probably end up doing that on their own and eventually forget about you until the most inconvenient time, but if all else fails you could always just charge them for the pictures. You could even start your own business da-ze! I bet you could make a lot of money without ever actually having to do much at all!_

_Hey, I have a question for you. Is everything really bigger where you come from da-ze? If everything is bigger where you come from, are those weird plant things in those old cowboy movies bigger (I forget what they are called. I think they were a weed of some sort) than the cowboy? Is Texas the only state in Alfred that has an 'X' in the name, and what does it stand for? Does it stand for buried treasure da-ze? I mean, it's right in the middle of your name so you must have something really special in your house, am I right?_

_(Okay, that was more than one question. But I've never met you unless you play online games and I just am forgetting your username or something da-ze. Did you know there are tons of people who put random capital letters in their usernames, like tHiS and it looks rEaLlY SiLly da-ze? Like, if I spelled my name iM yONg sOo…the big letters spell 'mono'. I think that's a sickness of some sort. The little 'i' makes it cool though, because it's like iPod or iPad or iPhone or iSomethingelseKoreanmade right? Can you catch iMono though? I really hope not da-ze! I do spend a lot of my free time on the internet!)_

_Anyway, if that doesn't work out for you, write back and I'll definitely give you more! Oh, and don't forget about those questions!_

_100% iMONO FREE,_

_Yong Soo_

x~*~x

A/N: Thank you so much to the lovely Texas (aka Ivan-bear) for the review! I must say it was amusing to respond to you! I hope that you like the response! Korea can be quite…distracted at times, can't he? Oh, and there's no stopping a yaoi-crazed fangirl…unless you throw another yaoi couple under the fandom bus haha!

South K really does mean well though…and he's definitely not suggesting himself here!

Let's also hope that Korea isn't discovered for his rather triumphant ass-kicking in the beginning of the chapter. Hell hath no fury like an over-worked secretary's revenge, right? (Okay, that's not how the quote goes, but it works better this way!)

Next chapter will contain the next review, and hopefully something equally amusing and helpful (though I often wonder how helpful advice given now that I've tried to cut caffeine from my diet really is haha). I will post up responses to reviews as soon as I can!

Also, sorry for any errors (if you happen to spot any) that appear. I will try to go back and fix them as I catch them *twitches at the ones she's already found in the first couple chapters*

For anyone that would like to receive some of this epic Korean advice follow the instructions in the first chapter or PM me with your letters!

Cordially,

The Pissed-Gamer-Secretary-Out-for-Revenge (aka RQ)


End file.
